Don’t you just hate it when three male prostitutes, with whom you have absolutely no affiliation, start setting fire to all your houses? I know I do. Apparently, though, British PM Keir Starmer isn’t that bothered by the matter. Luckily for Keir Starmer, neither is anyone in the UK mainstream media. After all, what’s suspicious about three Ukrainian rent boys mounting what is essentially urban guerrilla warfare on the PM of the United Kingdom?
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The setting is a late May night in London, and in the dark of Islington, where the streetlights are kept off to save the Earth from global warming, something is moving.
Catwalking as stealthily as an urban fox, the fabulous definition of the thing is caught momentarily between a panicked pair of headlights trying desperately to find their way out of Islington’s ultra-low emission zone.
Striking a pose in case the driver might happen to be a beleaguered paparazzi, the fabulous thing on the street is revealed to be none other than Stanislav Carpiuc, Ukraine’s as gay as a handbag full of butterflies answer to a young Jimmy Carr.
“My dream is to be the top male model in the world,” Carpiuc was just days ago gushing on his online modeling profile. Why, then, he is stalking his way to a house recently owned by British Prime Minister Keir Starmer is something of a mystery.
Carpiuc himself looks like somebody who couldn’t hurt a fly. However, mere seconds later, the doorway of the current Prime Minister’s former home is set ablaze.
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Unlike when someone mounts an arson attack on a regular Englishman, the Metropolitan Police quickly go all out on tracking down Carpiuc.
Surprising themselves with just how effective they can be in real life when not trawling social media for thought crimes, Carpiuc is subsequently taken into detention as he attempts to flee the UK via Luton Airport. However, Carpiuc, a girly-looking twenty-something, proves to be just the tip of a much bigger boyish iceberg trying to sink Britain’s Prime Minister.
Quickly, it is made apparent that the blame for another arson attack on Britain’s PM can be put on one Roman Lavrynovych. Lavrynovych being another, albeit more rugged-looking Ukrainian male model. (Think obvious top rather than obvious bottom.)
By this time, the mainstream media should have been salivating over rent boy puns to use in the next day’s tabloids. (Especially given recent rumors about Starmer and his queer best buddy, Lord Ali.) However, the stiff upper lip of British media censorship quickly comes into force. This is why we hear almost nothing about the arrest of fellow Ukrainian pretty boy, Petro Pochynok.
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Is Keir Starmer a queer with a kick for a little post-puberty acne scarring? Let’s be honest. We will probably never know. The man can literally stare coldly across a room after being elected by lots of old coal miners’ widows and their economically disenfranchised children, only to declare that the only way to save the UK economy is to kill the elderly.
All we have at this point is conjecture brought to us by the likes of former MP Andrew Bridgen. He says that the three rent boys in question were possibly assets of a Ukrainian intelligence faction looking to gather blackmail-worthy intel on British politicians, before funneling said intel to a certain Andriy Portnov. Portnov being a pro-Russian Ukrainian lawyer with a history of bribery and heading raider schemes. These being surprise hostile takeovers of companies against existing managment wishes. Portnov was also known to still have influence in Ukranian security and intelligence services, despite being in exile.
With the three attacks on the British PM in May mimicking the way a person of influence may be set up for bribery, it makes sense that Portnov may have been their chief instigator. The only question is what might have been Portnov’s end goal in mounting such attacks? Moreover, was Portnov (if he was involved) working on behalf of Ukraine or Russia?
Sadly, we will never know, as Portnov was assassinated shortly after the arrest of Starmer’s Ukrainian boys on the 21st of May, 2025. This happened in broad daylight in Spain while Portnov was dropping off his daughters at The American School of Madrid.
The Basic Facts / What We Know For Certain
What we know for certain about Keir Starmer’s three nights of male model madness is as follows:
- On the 8th of May, 2025, a car that Keir Starmer sold before becoming PM was set ablaze in Kentish Town.
- On the 11th of May, 2025, Stanislav Carpiuc sets fire to the entrance of an Islington flat, which is a former residence of the PM.
- On May 12th, 2025, fire erupts back in Kentish Town, at a property entrance where the PM was residing prior to becoming Prime Minister.
- The three people counter-terrorism police have since taken into detention are all Ukrainian-born and all appear to have been moonlighting as male escorts while holding other occupations.
- Andriy Portnov, a former aide to Ukraine’s former President and avowedly pro-Russian Ukrainian lawyer living in exile, did have a history of using assets like escorts to source information that later might prove valuable when attempting to bribe or manipulate people of interest.
- Andriy Portnov was assassinated on May 21st in broad daylight in Spain.
In fact, if we look solely at the anecdotal evidence available, it could easily be argued that this entire affair was simply an attempt by a branch of Russian or Ukranian intelligence to discredit the integrity of Keir Starmer in the eyes of the UK electorate. If this is the case, though, why the wall of silence from Westminster?